Healing is an Ongoing Journey: Hope Comes from Within
- John Matthews
- 2 days ago
- 4 min read
By: John Matthews
John Matthews (he/him) is a transgender, gay, disabled, man who utilizes his position as a Mental Health Advocate through storytelling, education, and consulting with companies. He holds a Bachelor’s in psychology from Ithaca College and currently attends Antioch University, Los Angeles where he is going for his Master’s of Arts in Clinical Psychology, including a specialization in psychological trauma studies. John aims to become a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in highly complex cases. In his free time, John enjoys playing video games, watching TV, and going on “unique adventures” through his area of Los Angeles.
"You can be the person your younger self is proud of, too. It will not be easy, yet the possibility is there."
I do not remember the first time that mental health became central to my life, as it feels that it has always been there in some form. I have been in therapy since I was six years old due to behavioral concerns, and I am still in therapy today, at 25 years old. I have been through every level of the mental health system and am open about it. From individual therapy to intensive outpatient programming, residential treatment, psychiatric hospital stays, and even wilderness therapy, there’s not much I haven’t seen.
I struggled with mental health and thoughts of suicide quite heavily throughout my childhood and teenage years. While my mental health and general lifestyle have drastically improved for me since receiving appropriate treatment and support, there are still times when I struggle today and call my psychiatrist or therapist in a crisis. I believe this is why I became a mental health advocate.
I learned quite young to normalize talking about mental health conversations for myself, and to advocate for myself where numerous others (including professionals) failed to do so. One of the reasons why I am on therapist number 35 is that for much of my childhood and teenage years, therapists did not know what to do with me, and so I’d be referred out almost monthly for a long time. I learned then that if I had an unethical experience, I should quickly cut my losses and find a new therapist. I knew the limits of the mental health system and felt a desire to change it.
I have always held a deep sense of empathy and justice. When I see a problem, I want to fix it. I want others to have the same access and opportunities to treatment and healing that I have had. I will continue fighting until seeking help becomes easy and normalized. Once there are no more attacks on our mental health system and harm reduction. I’ve learned numerous lessons and want to utilize my knowledge for the betterment of society. But the one big thing that I have learned? Healing is a lifelong journey.
We like to think of being “healed” as some form of accomplishment, a milestone that once you reach a level of functioning, you’re “all better.” You do not need to do any more work. However, life is not like that, and neither is mental health. Healing from trauma, depression, anxiety, whatever it is, requires a lifelong, constant, near full-time effort that not many appreciate.
It requires continuous recognition of triggers, the usage and adaptation of old coping skills, and the creation of new ones, as well as receiving and implementing feedback, setting and maintaining boundaries, and even the loss of those you outgrow. A wise therapist once said that “it can get lonely because the more you grow, there’re going to be fewer people who have made it that far along with you in their journey.” I’m comfortable being lonely if it means that I’m with the right people.
When we talk about identity, it’s easy to consider our mental health part of it. In this realm, I am unsure what I would say. Providers with me are divided between whether I have borderline personality disorder or complex PTSD. However, they all tend to agree that I also experience depression, autism, and ADHD.
I’m also disabled in the sense that I have a lot of medical diagnoses and am “chronically sick.” Not in the sense of an autoimmune disorder, but in the sense that I tend always to be dealing with a new medical condition or illness. In this week’s news, I discovered I had allergies after experiencing bloody noses daily for several weeks.
Though I have learned that these labels are not an identity for me, and I’d encourage you not to use mental health conditions as such either. Rather, they are an explanation or label for a set of your experiences. When we separate ourselves from our diagnoses, we can begin to remember that we are each different individuals with different personalities. No two persons with the same disorder are the same.
A great example of this is from The BPD Bunch, which took the MBTI, a personality inventory, resulting in a variety of outcomes for the cast. It is also important to remember that each person has their own strengths and areas for improvement. You are not “bad” or “evil” for not being perfect – that’s part of being human.
This is something I must remind myself frequently when I reflect on my past, and I must constantly remind myself that I was a child without adequate support. If I can work to forgive myself, it is possible for you as well.
If there’s one piece of advice to take away, it’s to keep on growing. Because life may suck at times (it’s supposed to! That’s part of the human experience), though, it does get better, and there is stuff worth living for. You may need to work harder and spend more time to find it. It took me a lifetime to see my reasons.
Now, I’m grateful I did. I’m thankful I get to be the advocate my younger self would be proud of. You can be the person your younger self is proud of, too. It will not be easy, yet the possibility is there.
To connect with John Matthews further:https://zez.am/JohnMatthews
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